Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Treat others as THEY want to be treated...and get treated the way YOU want to be treated...

“Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.” - John Gray -Author of "Women are from MARS, Men are from Venus"

WOW! How true this statement is! I haven't actually taken advantage of the infinite wisdom of Mr. Gray and read his book. However, I do hear that women don't particularly find the content remarkable, to say the least. If the book is anything like this one quote, I NEED to invest in a copy.

Unfortunately, the quote above drastically conflicts with one of the main principles taught to us as children, thus making both confusing. The sole problem is that many people, myself included, have been taught to treat others as they want to be treated. Well, that just doesn't work with someone who isn't on the same universal plane as you. Instead one must treat others as THEY want to be treated.

I am learning firsthand that you can't expect others to be satisfied with what would make you content. If you give what you want, you get no response, even if you make sure to communicate it. To get what you want you have to give what they want. If a man yearns to be needed, then as independent as I am, I must show him that he is needed to get what I want, which is to feel cherished. The problem is that I am NOT a man and do not know what actions will produce the result of feeling needed.

A feeling of necessity is, to me, doing things for others, but what is it for a man to feel needed? I still after diligent thinking do not have the answer for this. I think a man's desire to feel needed is ultimately a way to feed their ego, a way to make them feel as if they have something that others of their gender are lacking. (Obviously they do, or you wouldn't have picked them, but apparently that isn't enough in the way of reassurance). I'm certain that acts such as telling them how amazing they are and how much you appreciate the things they do work in your favor. However, I am not so sure that words are enough for men. They need you to show them that they are needed and not in the general sense. They don't want to help you open the pickle jar, which by the way you can do yourself with a couple quick taps of the handle end of a butter knife. Try it. It works! To feed a man's ego and to make him feel like he is needed, you have to inquire his advice on certain issues, even if you have already made your mind up. Ask him what you should do about the promotion at work, if you're making the right decision with your asks of your children, if there are different exercises you should be doing to strengthen your get the idea! Make him feel like you are smart and intelligent but that you need his expertise to make the final decision. That will feed his ego. He will think "Wow! She needed me to make that decision!" You really didn't NEED him you just wanted his opinion, but that translates differently to a man. It's actually a simple case of inclusion. Include your guy in your world. Make him feel like he is a part of it. Make him feel like he is the only man that could helped you in this situation. As simple as it seems, most people forget somehow to do this and they man feels like you could take him or leave him.

The desire to be cherished is what fuels women. We do the things we do so that you will think "Wow! I have her. I am so lucky. No one could make me as happy as she does. I couldn't imagine life without her..." This is again a way to feed the ego but not in the same way. We want to know that you picked us for a reason and that our flaws as well as our positive attributes are the reason you're by our side. We don't care about being needed. We do things as a result of our genetic make up as caregivers not for the glory and praise. But for all the things we do, we expect to be cherished. Not everyone will do it the way we do. No difficulty lies in showing a woman she is cherished. Just tell her. Tell her that she is unique and that you wake up everyday grateful that she's beside you. It's just that easy.

All of this is because we are a society of envy and comparison. We criticize ourselves based on our perception of others and thus become jealous of what they have that you lack which causes you to not measure up. Everyone does this secure or insecure. This attitude is the ultimate reason that we NEED anything from our significant other to feel good. If we didn't fall into the trap of comparison, we wouldn't have a desire to feel needed or cherished, we would just be.

Our needs from our significant other obviously contrast with the lesson we were taught at a young age. You simply have to get to know the person you're with and give them what it is that makes them feel the emotions they desire to feel. I have generalized it here. It gets broader because different people have different desires. The main point is that to get what you want out of them don't do to them or give them what you like. Attempt to do and give what it is you like and don't expect them to take the hint from your actions. Communicate what you want and like. Tell them what makes you tick. If they don't act on it...well keep it moving.

We all need other people in our lives and we need them to do certain things for us. The problem lies in getting them to do those things. Simply put "give what they want and get what you want".