Tuesday, March 4, 2014


A fear of the unknown keeps a lot of people from leaving bad situations.
Kathie Lee Gifford spoke this quote about leaving a hugely successful show to go into the unknown. Her identity had been consumed with who she was as a part of what she had done, so much so that she had trouble letting it go. 
Today, a constant in my life for 3 1/2 years will cease to exist, and I'm at peace with it. The peace exits because I gave the uncertainty to God. You see prior to today, when the same idea of change was presented to me, I braced for the impact, the way you do when you're in a car accident. You think tightening up will prevent injury, but in actuality, it just adds to it. Nonetheless, I got in stance for the jolt before instead of embracing the positives. 
My daughter's father is leaving. He's not leaving me and our relationship. That's been long gone. But he's moving 5 hours away to regain his stability. 
Leaving... I totally despise that word, because I know that after the leaving, things are never the same. 
What if my baby girl feels a sense of detachment? What if he never comes back? What if she endures the pain of an absent father like I do daily? What if... There are enough what ifs to paint the sky a plethora of colors. But the what ifs are only fear. Fear of what's to come, fear of an unknown situation. 
Last time, when he said he needed to go, I responded with disgust, proclaiming my veto of the thought of doing such a thing to our daughter. 
This time I just listened, heard all of the reasons that leaving was the thing to do. As I sat there and soaked up bits and pieces of his words, I watched my daughter's world fall to pieces. I didn't want to hear the positive elements. I just wanted her life to not mimic mine so much. But I just sat there as the words bounced through my head and to my heart like daggers. 
After the eternity of silence, I simply said, I have no advice for you except that I would do it differently. But wasn't that the very reason that our relationship had ended 6 months prior?! I breathed  deeply and agreed with nothing else except that living here was producing no results for stability for my sweet girl. 
So he's leaving. No time limit. No actual visitation plan. Only promises that with leaving stability will shortly follow. 
I pray that the unknown produces favorable results, but I still fear an unlikely outcome. 

Leaving is not the villain. It's the unknown that will keep me up at night. 
Leaving is the catalyst for change. It's the unknown change that takes my breath away. 
Leaving is leaving. But what is the unknown. 

No comments:

Post a Comment